Posts Tagged ‘relationship issues’

Let me bring about the types of relationships:

SURVIVAL RELATIONSHIPS– These exist when partners feel like they can’t make it on their own. The choice of a partner tends to be undiscriminating, made out of emotional starvation, and something like, almost anyone available will do. This involves relating at its most basic: “Without you I am nothing; with you I am something.” The survival involved may be physical as well as emotional, including the basics of finding shelter, eating, working, and paying bills. The partners tend to be ‘relationship junkies’. They are desperate for relationships.

VALIDATION RELATIONSHIPS– A person may seek another’s validation of his or her physical attractiveness, intellect, social status, sexuality, wealth, or some other attribute. Sex and money are especially common validators. In response to a sexually unsatisfying relationship, a person may choose a new partner with whom sexuality is central. Many teen-agers and young adults who are looking for a sense of identity form relationships based on physical or sexual validation.

These relationships are always a little insecure: “Does she like me, or not?” there is enormous tension and constant testing: “Do you really love me?” One small act can be everything, a source of tears and anguish, despite everything else the partner has done all week.

SCRIPTED RELATIONSHIPS- This common pattern often begins when the partners both are just out of high school or college. They seem to be ‘the perfect pair’, fitting almost all the external criteria of what an appropriate mate should be like. In these relationships differences often take the form of power struggles. Endless arguments develop about everything, like, how to maintain the illusion of perfection to family and friends as well as how to handle their own feelings and inclinations.

ACCEPTANCE RELATIONSHIPS– In an acceptance relationship we trust, support and enjoy each other. And within broad limits, we are ourselves. Hence, we tend to accept everything, including every flaw in the partner.

When the expectations are not overwhelming, when the differences between the interests and inclinations are not too dissonant, and when the combative instincts are not too strong, a scripted relationship can evolve into an acceptance relationship.

HEALING RELATIONSHIPS- These liaisons follow periods of loss, struggle, deprivation, stress, or mourning. Participants typically feel wounded and fearful. They need tender loving care badly, and at the same time need to undertake some reassessment of themselves and their ways of relating. Physical distance is common in healing relationships. Couples in these relationships tend to talk about the past a lot, about the struggle or loss that preceded their own relationship. 

EXPERIMENTAL RELATIONSHIPS- These are ‘trying it out’ relationships.  The intention is to find out how to relate to someone like this person, and what such a relationship is like. That can open a door to finding new ways of behaving with others, and perhaps to discovering little known sides of oneself and allowing them to grow.

TRANSITIONAL RELATIONSHIPS- In these, the relationship is a cross between the old and the new. This lets us handle the old issues and conflicts in new ways without the gut-grinding of the old relationship. At the same time, trying new ways of being and relating. It’s a good place to practice for a long-term relationship that’s healthier than the one that preceded it.

For instance, a woman whose first husband lied to her constantly, forcing her to rely on her intuitive sense of what was really going on, became involved with a man who was basically honest but whose love of drama led to exaggeration. In the past such exaggeration would have pissed her, but she allowed herself to discover that in the areas that counted, he was honest.

AVOIDANCE RELATIONSHIPS- This pattern may involve people who protect themselves against any deep intimacy with others or any full contact with their own deeper feelings. Or it may involve people just coming out of a relationship who are afraid of still more of the painful feelings of loss, mourning and failure that often accompany splitting up.

PASTIME RELATIONSHIPS- A pastime relationship is essentially recreational & for fun, and is identified as such. Although some hopes may attach themselves, expectations seldom do. Its passionate and delightful until it lasts.

How exactly would one define a relationship?  The condition or fact of being related; connection or association. In human, specifically a marriage, and in today’s generation words, ‘getting hooked up’.

Each relationship differs from every other. In short, the term relationship differs as to how one perceives the word and how he acts upon it.

A relation is not about you coming upto a girl/ boy and say I love you and then things go the way they were. Neither it is that you show  insane love to the girl for the first few months/ days, give promises and later it is none that you do, but all you do is ignore. No, this isn’t how it will work.

Trust me, 90% people talk to somebody to get into a relation, get to a level of physicality and leave her. Dude?  What? I thought you said you loved her. Is that how you display your love? Really? Probably, you never loved or I should say even liked her.

Most of the relations today are categorized as infatuations and not love. And agreed, they are infatuations. If I sit here to define love, it is eternal. It is divine. It is something that cannot be defined. How easy it is for somebody to say an I Love You. Its just a three letter word and it hardly takes a second. And how easily you buy it? A little drama from the other side, a few poetic lines, a few letters or mails, a fake display of I cannot live without you and there you go.

You float with the relation because the drama and the initial love showing and when you start feeling things going inept, you’d think ‘funny thing I never thought it would go this way.’

The most common reasons you’d get from the other sides and you’d be buying is I was too busy with work. What work, dude? Can’t you spare even a minute? Or probably there seems to be an issue with my phone. Oh really? Isn’t there anybody else having a phone near you? Or you have just one phone at place. Or the most common, I haven’t spoken to anybody else too. Oh yes! So did you say all that to me about love to everybody else too?

Another category of a relation is a long distance relation, which from my point of view doesn’t work in most cases. Talking out from my personal experiences and of others nearby, never even try to make it work. Just in case you are so determined to make it work, always have it planned. And make an assurance that the plan would work. Don’t make plans in the air, like we’d marry after xyz years. Or that we’d have a house here or all that crap. Trust me, it makes no sense. After few months he wouldn’t even bother about your health or whereabouts. Never buy things about long talked about promises. If he plans to do it, he wouldn’t really mention it 24*7. Most importantly, plan about the meetings. If he cannot meet you or you cannot meet him once a month or once in two months, no point. ‘Cause trust me, your relationship is going nowhere if he doesn’t feel like meeting you. If you remember he said you are the most important part of his life, for sure he said this at one point.

Relationship matters continues…