Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

When a woman gets dumped, her life falls apart and she spends weeks crying on the shoulders of her sympathetic girlfriends. When a man gets dumped, he shrugs his shoulders, switches on the television, salutes his new-found freedom and downs a can of beer.

This is something we all think and hear, but NO, it isn’t true. Despite of the sex, both sit and weep.

All of you get into a relationship because you feel euphoric love for your partner. You love whatever your partner does. That love makes you feel very good. You experience great joy and feel special. All this changes over a period of time for some of you.

Some or the other day are relationship ends, then what? There starts the period of the ‘so called’ trying to get over. Here, 90 per cent of the people sit as if they have committed a crime of a lifetime. All gulped up, emo-like, tears falling, wondering what to do (not to get over but rather to get back).

It’s never easy when a significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split-and whether or not you wanted it-the breakup of a long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult time.

While many of you may be at different stages dealing with the end of a relationship, the issues you face have a great deal in common. Usually there is shock and denial that your partner has ended the relationship. Nasty things like guilt, pain, despair, and self-loathing and depression after a break up can all seem to rear their ugly heads at the same time.

You know how it feels, one minute you think that both of you were made for each other and the next…dumped. Then you cry yourself out of existence, wishing you were prettier or sexier or something, right? Well, dry your tears and stop wasting time.

The first step is to heave that chip off your shoulder, get out of the laziness, get a makeover and stop spending your nights in front of the television watching stupid movies, sad songs or calling your friends for sympathy.

Take the time right after a break-up to examine your life. Get in touch with what’s really important to you. Often in a relationship, especially a long term relationship, our passions and goals get intermingled with those of our partner’s. Sometimes, we can even forget the things that we really love and enjoy.

How soon can you date after a break up? After you feel like you’ve taken enough time to gather your thoughts and emotions, don’t be afraid to get back into the scene- dating, going out or whatever that may be. It’s normal to feel the need for “alone time” right after a break up. Just be sure not to isolate yourself for too long. Try going out and meeting new people when you feel ready. By doing this, you’re not discounting your old relationship or ignoring the fact that you may need closure or time to heal; you’re simply starting the process of moving on.

You really don’t have to count time to date again. You don’t really have to sit in a corner, weep months long, thinking that your past relationship just ended. Go out, interact, see new people. Moreover, dating is healthy!

A person tends to become sensitive and prone to people close to him/her while recovering from a break up. A person you may talk to even 5 of 24 hours a day, may be the one you would easily fall for. The simple reason being he is sensitive to your feelings and is consoling you, hence you feel cared by the person. There isn’t anything wrong in it. Nothing to be scared of! Just beware, if it’s the right person before taking a decision.

Never plan to get back. Mind it, NEVER. This should be the last thing in your head, which actually in most cases-is the first. Think, if getting back was what it was meant to be, why did you break up in the first place? Once a relationship is broken, no matter what the reason was, there is no getting back. Even if you tend to get back, the relationship changes, it’s never the same. The changes that the break up created will always create more differences and hence lead to another split up which may be sorer.

To be continued…

p.s. No break-up is pleasant. But it doesn’t mean you stop living after a break-up.

What is a woman? Is she a mere body to harass? Is she a toy to play with? Is she somebody you can feel? Is she somebody to satisfy your sexual needs?

In our daily newspapers, rape rears its ugly façade almost every day.  Sometimes, it is a brutal rape and murder by a stranger, gang-rape of a girl by her acquaintances or in many cases rape of a girl by her own father or elderly relatives. It is shocking, amazing and ridiculous.

Where do the perpetrators get such courage and confidence from that they stop a running bus, pull out a woman and leave her by the roadside after raping her, that they trap a foreign diplomat and rape her in a car, that they catch hold of a college student and violate her atop a building even as heavy traffic passes by a few feet below?  How is it that a cop instead of protecting a young girl shuts her inside a police post and does the unthinkable?

The questioning of cops and lawyers put after a case is equivalent to raping them again. Not surprising that they prefer to seal their lips and kill their sense of dignity and honour. And I am not even talking about the numerous others subjected to molestation, groping, eve teasing and degrees of verbal and physical abuse – at the movie hall, in the bus, in crowded bylanes, markets, trains, almost everywhere.

It is more than surprising to witness this in every corner. I put up the question again, what do you think a woman is? Why isn’t she sought as an individual, equivalent or more powerful than a man, but as a mere toy for pleasure?

Let me bring about the types of relationships:

SURVIVAL RELATIONSHIPS– These exist when partners feel like they can’t make it on their own. The choice of a partner tends to be undiscriminating, made out of emotional starvation, and something like, almost anyone available will do. This involves relating at its most basic: “Without you I am nothing; with you I am something.” The survival involved may be physical as well as emotional, including the basics of finding shelter, eating, working, and paying bills. The partners tend to be ‘relationship junkies’. They are desperate for relationships.

VALIDATION RELATIONSHIPS– A person may seek another’s validation of his or her physical attractiveness, intellect, social status, sexuality, wealth, or some other attribute. Sex and money are especially common validators. In response to a sexually unsatisfying relationship, a person may choose a new partner with whom sexuality is central. Many teen-agers and young adults who are looking for a sense of identity form relationships based on physical or sexual validation.

These relationships are always a little insecure: “Does she like me, or not?” there is enormous tension and constant testing: “Do you really love me?” One small act can be everything, a source of tears and anguish, despite everything else the partner has done all week.

SCRIPTED RELATIONSHIPS- This common pattern often begins when the partners both are just out of high school or college. They seem to be ‘the perfect pair’, fitting almost all the external criteria of what an appropriate mate should be like. In these relationships differences often take the form of power struggles. Endless arguments develop about everything, like, how to maintain the illusion of perfection to family and friends as well as how to handle their own feelings and inclinations.

ACCEPTANCE RELATIONSHIPS– In an acceptance relationship we trust, support and enjoy each other. And within broad limits, we are ourselves. Hence, we tend to accept everything, including every flaw in the partner.

When the expectations are not overwhelming, when the differences between the interests and inclinations are not too dissonant, and when the combative instincts are not too strong, a scripted relationship can evolve into an acceptance relationship.

HEALING RELATIONSHIPS- These liaisons follow periods of loss, struggle, deprivation, stress, or mourning. Participants typically feel wounded and fearful. They need tender loving care badly, and at the same time need to undertake some reassessment of themselves and their ways of relating. Physical distance is common in healing relationships. Couples in these relationships tend to talk about the past a lot, about the struggle or loss that preceded their own relationship. 

EXPERIMENTAL RELATIONSHIPS- These are ‘trying it out’ relationships.  The intention is to find out how to relate to someone like this person, and what such a relationship is like. That can open a door to finding new ways of behaving with others, and perhaps to discovering little known sides of oneself and allowing them to grow.

TRANSITIONAL RELATIONSHIPS- In these, the relationship is a cross between the old and the new. This lets us handle the old issues and conflicts in new ways without the gut-grinding of the old relationship. At the same time, trying new ways of being and relating. It’s a good place to practice for a long-term relationship that’s healthier than the one that preceded it.

For instance, a woman whose first husband lied to her constantly, forcing her to rely on her intuitive sense of what was really going on, became involved with a man who was basically honest but whose love of drama led to exaggeration. In the past such exaggeration would have pissed her, but she allowed herself to discover that in the areas that counted, he was honest.

AVOIDANCE RELATIONSHIPS- This pattern may involve people who protect themselves against any deep intimacy with others or any full contact with their own deeper feelings. Or it may involve people just coming out of a relationship who are afraid of still more of the painful feelings of loss, mourning and failure that often accompany splitting up.

PASTIME RELATIONSHIPS- A pastime relationship is essentially recreational & for fun, and is identified as such. Although some hopes may attach themselves, expectations seldom do. Its passionate and delightful until it lasts.

It is sure for hurdles to come on the feel and bumps to come between relationships.

If I sit here and categorize, the major problems that one comes across is:

-Communication

By communication I am here referring to both communication gap as well as day to day communications. Poor communication skills initiate a problem in any relationship. You can’t communicate while watching a sitcom, checking your BB, checking out pages online. In either of the above cases you seem least bothered in what you partner is talking and there she gets pissed.

-Money

This category of problem occurs mostly in people in live-in relations, or even amongst people whose relation is more money based. Usually one partner is a saver and one a spender, so here the conflict arises.

-Physical Intimacy

Even partners who love each other can be incompatible sexually. This might create issues, and it does. But common ‘you love her’, this shouldn’t make a difference. Sexual relationships problems can be solved by consulting a qualified therapist.

-Priorities

Priorities- this causes issues in every relation, from a two day relation to a happily married couple. It usually starts with questions like ‘who is that? How long have you been talking to her? Are her talks more important than mine?’  This usually happens when you spend less time with your partner and more with others, may be your friends or colleagues.

If you want your love life going, keep the focus on your relation. Relationships loose their luster very easily, so make yours a priority. Tell your partner how important she is in your life.

-Conflicts/ fights

Conflicts may arise from the smallest to the biggest think. Occasional conflicts are an inevitable part of a relation. But don’t let them increase. Clear them if they seem to rise.

-Trust

Trust is very important in a relation. Without this factor, called trust, your relation is going nowhere. Do you doubt your partner for something? Is there any behavior that is hindering your trust from your partner? Clear it out, talk to him. Trust me, a simple talk can clear a lot of problems.

How exactly would one define a relationship?  The condition or fact of being related; connection or association. In human, specifically a marriage, and in today’s generation words, ‘getting hooked up’.

Each relationship differs from every other. In short, the term relationship differs as to how one perceives the word and how he acts upon it.

A relation is not about you coming upto a girl/ boy and say I love you and then things go the way they were. Neither it is that you show  insane love to the girl for the first few months/ days, give promises and later it is none that you do, but all you do is ignore. No, this isn’t how it will work.

Trust me, 90% people talk to somebody to get into a relation, get to a level of physicality and leave her. Dude?  What? I thought you said you loved her. Is that how you display your love? Really? Probably, you never loved or I should say even liked her.

Most of the relations today are categorized as infatuations and not love. And agreed, they are infatuations. If I sit here to define love, it is eternal. It is divine. It is something that cannot be defined. How easy it is for somebody to say an I Love You. Its just a three letter word and it hardly takes a second. And how easily you buy it? A little drama from the other side, a few poetic lines, a few letters or mails, a fake display of I cannot live without you and there you go.

You float with the relation because the drama and the initial love showing and when you start feeling things going inept, you’d think ‘funny thing I never thought it would go this way.’

The most common reasons you’d get from the other sides and you’d be buying is I was too busy with work. What work, dude? Can’t you spare even a minute? Or probably there seems to be an issue with my phone. Oh really? Isn’t there anybody else having a phone near you? Or you have just one phone at place. Or the most common, I haven’t spoken to anybody else too. Oh yes! So did you say all that to me about love to everybody else too?

Another category of a relation is a long distance relation, which from my point of view doesn’t work in most cases. Talking out from my personal experiences and of others nearby, never even try to make it work. Just in case you are so determined to make it work, always have it planned. And make an assurance that the plan would work. Don’t make plans in the air, like we’d marry after xyz years. Or that we’d have a house here or all that crap. Trust me, it makes no sense. After few months he wouldn’t even bother about your health or whereabouts. Never buy things about long talked about promises. If he plans to do it, he wouldn’t really mention it 24*7. Most importantly, plan about the meetings. If he cannot meet you or you cannot meet him once a month or once in two months, no point. ‘Cause trust me, your relationship is going nowhere if he doesn’t feel like meeting you. If you remember he said you are the most important part of his life, for sure he said this at one point.

Relationship matters continues…